Jet Fuel for the Revolution
Soundtrack: Uh! All Night by KISS
You may be young enough to keep it up for Miss November…however, you gotta keep that brain active while you do it. She’s seen it all and a woman that fine is gonna require some tricks. You are going to need coffee, stud, and lots of it.
We are guessing you have a machine that involves a filter paper, a glass carafe, and button pushing. No. Step away, Mister Coffee. We’re gonna teach you how to make DECENT coffee, something that will impress the ladies, not that swill you’ve been throwing down your gullet at work.
First, you’re going to need to buy some gear. Yes, really. The “gear” is known as a French press, or a Press Pot. We call it a French Press because we know that despite their reputation as cheese-eating surrender monkeys, the French also know how to impress the ladies, with or without food, and well, they eat cheese. Fine cheese. REALLY fine cheese.
The other gear you’re gonna need is a coffee grinder. Before you get all creative and try to grind your coffee using a V8 powered driver drill or cement mixer, we are looking for a particular KIND of coffee grinder, specifically a Burr Grinder. Do NOT buy a blade grinder, grunt. They chop the coffee and make a mess of it. They are inconsistent crap. The French Press and Burr Grinder should set you back less than $50. As with all gear, you can spend a LOT more than that, if you want to. Knock yourself out, moneybags, but a suave man knows where to spend and where to save (socks for instance).
Go out and purchase some good coffee. No, not that crap-in-a-can. Buy the coffee by the bean, whole. Pre-ground coffee is like opening her double-E bra to find tissue paper filler. It’s just not right.
Coffee from Central and South America tend to be mild, which they refer to as “Light Bodied.” Think Natalie Portman. African and Middle Eastern beans are medium-bodied and medium acidity. Think Halle Berry. Beans from Indonesia and the Islands like Hawaii are heavy-bodied with low acidity, and are earthy, like Christina Hendricks.
Coffee bean selection is, of course, way more complicated than that, but this is a start. Buy your beans and pour them in the burr grinder, set it to coarse grind, and grind away. You will need two tablespoons of ground coffee for each cup of water. More coffee if you’re a man’s man. Place the ground coffee into the bottom of the French press.
Your coffee is only as good as the water you put in it. If your tap water tastes like a pissed-in public swimming pool, you're going to want to get filtered water, or something that only has deer piss in it, like mountain spring water. Heat the water by whatever means you have. An electric pot is great, over a stove is fine too.
Pour a little bit of your good, hot water into the French Press with the ground coffee. Pour it slowly, so as to saturate the coffee evenly, and then wait. You should see the coffee expand and foam up. This is actually air releasing from the coffee. A coffee fart. When the coffee grounds have finished expanding, pour in the rest of the water.
Set a timer to four minutes. After one minute, stir the water and coffee grounds in the French press with a spoon and let it settle again. Just before four minutes, place the lid onto the French press, making sure to line up the drain in the cap with the pour spout, with the press retracted all the way up. At four minutes, push the press down. SLOWLY, minute-man. Take 30 seconds to push it all the way in. Slowly. Think of it as a virgin. The press should gently push the coffee grounds to the bottom.
When the coffee grounds are pressed, pour the coffee immediately into cups. If you have any coffee leftover in the French press, do NOT leave it there. It will get nasty, fast. If you have selected a coffee that is bitter, or it tastes too bitter to you anyway, add a pinch of salt to it. No, really. Salt makes things taste good, right? It may help. Try it. Just a pinch. Non-flavored gourmet salt or Kosher salt, if you’ve got it.
If you want to try some other coffee machines, the Chemex, Melitta, Café Solo, and vacuum pots all make a good cuppa Joe. If you really want the best, Comrade, espresso is for you, and you can even use a stovetop espresso maker to do it on the cheap. We’ll have a latte, thanks. Shaken, not stirred.
Go find Miss November and give her some of that brew, maybe with a bite of chocolate. Those supermodel-types usually don’t eat much, but then, hey, they have other redeeming qualities.
 Remember: two tablespoons of ground coffee for each cup of water.
 *GEEK ALERT* Actually, carbon dioxide.