Yes we go out to eat. There, we admitted it. Happy now?
We are as thrilled as the next dude to let someone else feed us. When we find ourselves at the end of a long day of shoving the mouse around six inches of desktop real estate, we like to sit at a table and have someone, anyone really, set victuals in front of us so we can tank up our astoundingly awesome bodies again. So sue us, we are effort-challenged Americans too, what did you expect?
But here’s the thing, it turns out that once you are kicking ass in the kitchen, making great food from stuff you bought by the pound, well, it starts to make you think a little different about where you go out to eat. We have developed enhanced standards as to how we pick our purchased dinners and lunches. We have an awareness of food, and what you get when your order from someone else's kitchen.
The Man Meets Stove Four Rules of Dining Out:
The food has to be better than we can make in our kitchen, and we are pretty damn good, so don’t try to pull anything over on us.
The meal has to be cheaper than we can do it for ourselves.
A big plate of meaty goodness has to land in front of us faster than we can say “Meat! Meat! Cheese!”
The place needs to provide a feeling of utter relaxation, dominance of our world, and validates the simple truth that we ARE in fact superior specimens of humanity. In short, the atmosphere has to be better than our living room, leather couch, BIG plasma TV, Xbox, and 80s hair metal videos on demand.
Now we are regular blokes (well that’s what we tell ourselves that anyway), so we just need two of the four rules to be true or MOSTLY true for us to head out to the checkered table cloth and the busboy with the two opposable left thumbs. Ladies in tow.
Of course we break the four rules; we made ‘em! But not as often as you think. Life is too damnably short for cheap crystallized ice cream, soggy burgers, noisy, and annoying restaurants. We tend to buy our meals where the food is more difficult and/or requires longer to make than a half hour prep time. We like to eat spices, veggies, and meats that are either hard to get, or hard to store. If the restaurant has equipment that we don't (and really how likely is that?) we will line up in the rain with the unwashed masses to get “flavor-infused-zero-gee-Sous-vide-Himalayan-Yak-and-Couscous burgers”, but only because we can't afford a space station. Or a yak.
Lastly, restaurateurs, we expect staff to be available at a moment’s notice but not intrusive, and we REALLY hate waiting to pay. If we are ready to give you our Benjamin’s and your idea of customer service is to have us wait in line to do so, then you aren't very likely to get our cash the second time. If the food was bad, you might as well do the honorable thing and impale yourself on your Wusthoff Chef’s knife. Okay don’t do that, but you really should think about the possibility.
Now go forth and buy a meal! Say hi to the yak.Yak picture curtosy of [TheAsarya]
Thursday Feb242011
 Thursday, February 24, 2011 at 05:04PM
What with the whole organic, cage-free, grass/grain-fed, no hormones, anti-GMO, no MSG, anti-pesticides, no additives, anti-preservatives, every-chicken-must-be-stroked-by-hand-once-an-hour-and-called-by-it's-first-name-Bernard, movement, it is easy to forget that Americans actually still like fast food.Yes…we....do. Despite the food movement, the United States of hypocrisy has not slowed down the consumption of burritos, noodles, fried chicken, grilled chicken, nuggets, sandwiches, donuts, tacos, fish sticks, and of course….the almighty hamburger. A quick browse of stock prices for fast food companies shows that Wall Street sure likes it's fast victual companies too. The stock prices of fast food companies fell during the worst of the recession, but only just a little. Wall Street must know something we don't. Fast...food...still...sells. Perhaps it’s the addition of those “healthy” 10,000 calorie salads to the menu? Yeah, that must be it… So what is this fascination with food that’s been processed through machinery till it screams? Well, we’ve got to think it boils down to one thing. We like the taste. We like the convenience. Yes, we like the food! People deny it, yet McDonald’s numbers wouldn’t be the way they are if everyone didn’t like the food. So what’s a Green, anti-corporation, Monsanto-hating, Hippie person to do about this? Well, first of all, cook at home! Try to buy what your farmer grandparents would recognize as food. But it IS important to try to keep perspective. Pack a lunch when you can, but don’t drag the square yard of wheat grass into your cubical. It's embarrassing. Today’s hyperactive lifestyles means we may be forced to eat lunch with a co-worker in 15 minutes. Good luck finding a Farmer’s Market in that time. Mr. “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” Michael Pollan wrote “The Omnivore’s Dilemma” and freely admits that “Social values count as much as environmental values with me”. He’s even been known to eat unsustainable sushi! *Gasp!* So, eat up America! Drop another dime fiver into the McDonalds meatwagon. Enjoy! Just try to do it less. Much less.
Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Wednesday Feb232011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011 at 04:27PM
BBC reports "14% to 25% reduction in heart disease in moderate drinkers compared with people who had never drunk alcohol" plus an increase in "good" cholesterol. Party on, Dudes. Photo by iskir / Oscar Castañón Barragán
Monday Feb212011
Monday, February 21, 2011 at 02:56PM
I was watching Iron Chef a while back and I about jumped out of my Barcalounger when I saw Paula Dean slap down some Velveeta “Cheese Product” and start mixing in sugar, butter, corn syrup etc into what was to become a…wait for it…fudge. You heard that right, Velveeta Fudge.
The virtual taste buds in my brain went to work on that flavor profile, and the verdict was “It may not suck!” So I went over to the Food Network website to check out the Paula Dean recipe. I read through the comments and found out that Paula’s version of the fudge was highly variable, depending on which cocoa powder you used. Failure meant fudge that tasted of cheese product. Not good. I also found out that Paula quite possibly got the recipe from Kraft itself and that the commentators said the Kraft recipe worked fine!
So I ran down to the grocery store to get the ingredients to try this recipe out. I recommend that if anyone looks at you funny when you pick up the “Cheese product”, just tell them it’s a gag gift for a bachelor party and involves a stripper. They won't ask any more questions. Do not admit your actually going to eat it, and certainly not in fudge.
 The first thing I noticed when making the cheese fudge was that it is a damn sight better than Ole’ Fashioned Fudge in that it is cooked fast in the microwave, and doesn’t require a candy thermometer. Win! Aside from the cooling off period in the refrigerator, the whole thing takes about 10 minutes to make, mixing and all. Pretty slick.
The taste test was….interesting. I am used to eating fudge that grabs you by the teeth, slaps your jaw with richness, and then goes off in your brain like a firecracker of sweetness. With Old Fashioned Fudge you KNOW you just ate a chocolate bomb.
This was not that.
It isn’t a chocolate bar, but it’s not quite decadent fudgie goodness either, it was something in between. Medium fudge.
That’s just not right.
That being said, I can see two possibilities out of it. One possibility is that one could modify the recipe with more chocolate and sugar to get more bang out of it, or the other possibility it that one can simply get another recipe for microwave fudge.
In Part 2, I am going to mix up a batch of microwave fudge and do a taste smackdown...UPDATE: Jim's wife, the Teutonic Goddess, woke up and pronounced the fudge "excellent" and "salty goodness". Just goes to show, we are not the final word!
Kraft Velveeta Fudge 12 oz VELVEETA Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product cut into 1/2-inch cubes 1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine 6 squares BAKER'S Unsweetened Chocolate 2 pkg. (16 oz. each) powdered sugar (about 8 cups) 1-1/2 cups chopped PLANTERS Pecans Add chocolate mixture, in batches, to sugar in large bowl, beating with electric mixer on medium speed until well blended after each addition. Stir in pecans and vanilla.
Pour into greased 13x9-inch pan. Smooth top with spatula; cover. Refrigerate several hours or until firm before cutting into 1-inch squares to serve. (For longer storage, wrap tightly and freeze up to 2 months. Thaw in refrigerator overnight before serving.) Place Velveeta, butter, chocolate, and corn syrup in large microwaveable bowl. Microwave on High for 2 min. Stir. Micorwave and additional minute; stir until well blended.
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Click on the picture.
The First Rule of Chef's Club is Don't Talk About Chef's Club. 
The first thing I noticed when making the cheese fudge was that it is a damn sight better than Ole’ Fashioned Fudge in that it is cooked fast in the microwave, and doesn’t require a candy thermometer. Win! Aside from the cooling off period in the refrigerator, the whole thing takes about 10 minutes to make, mixing and all. Pretty slick. 