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    Hollandaise Sauce - Video and Recipe!!!

    Heart Attack Hollandaise

    Soundtrack: Heartbeat of Rock ‘n roll by Huey Lewis and the News

    3 Eggs
    1 1/2 Tablespoons Water
    One stick butter
    3 to 4 Tablespoons Tarragon Vinegar
    Salt and Pepper

    Start by filling a sink (or a pot larger than the one you will be cooking in) partially with cool water.  You’ll use this water to rapidly cool the bottom of the pot later.

    Melt butter in a pot over medium heat (or nuke it to melted).  Completely melt the butter, but not so it’s burning hot. Crack open the eggs and place them into a bowl.  Add water to the bowl and whisk the eggs and water together very well until they are one color throughout.

    Now comes the hard part.  Turn the heat down on the butter pot.  If you look at the flame, you want it to be a 2 on a 5 scale, the 5 being full flame, 1 being almost no flame.  Low heat, but not too low.  If not sure, go lower, not hotter, until you get the hang of it, lower heat will simply take a little longer and your whisk arm may fall off.  If you go too hot, the eggs will become little bits in a butter mix, not a sauce.  You can recover this by blending the hell out of it.

    Pour the egg mixture into the melted butter and start whisking the pot gently, or faster if you see visible egg bits starting to float around in the pot.  Do not stop whisking.  The goal is to keep the eggs from forming a thin omelet on the bottom of the pot.  You want to keep stirring until the eggs "go off" and thicken the mixture from a liquid to a gravy-like sauce.  When you see it turning into the desired thickness of a sauce, immediately pull the pot off the fire and put the pot bottom into the cold water in the sink so the bottom of the pot is immediately cooled off and stops cooking the sauce.  You may want to keep whisking a little bit while it cools.

    Now here's the thing - we are told that people use lemon for Hollandaise Sauce.  Why?  We have no idea.  It tastes a bit like dessert that way.  We like tarragon vinegar and like it much.  Once you cool the pot a little, take it out, add two tablespoons of vinegar and taste the sauce.  If it is strong enough for you, excellent.  We usually add at least two more tablespoons of tarragon vinegar, or more, to taste.  Sometimes we make it light for guests and "Rip your face off strong" for ourselves in a separate small pitcher.

    Salt and pepper to taste.

    Sometimes people use just the egg yokes in the sauce.  The sauce will be really thick and tasty if you do it that way[1].

    Now all of this involved process, we are told, can be avoided by the use of a double boiler to even the heat out and cook the sauce slowly, but that is cheating and we will not give you your Girl Scout chef merit badge if you do it.  Actually, we have never had a double boiler when we needed it, and see them as somewhat of a unitasker (bad) unless one makes candy a lot, so we do it our way.

    You can also do much the same thing in a blender or a microwave.  How embarrassing.  Don’t talk to us.

    We generally make 2 to 3 times this recipe and eat it on broccoli cooked al dente.  Please do NOT overcook the broccoli, American style.  Limp broccoli is a vile abomination unto the gods. 

    [1] Screw your cholesterol.  This is cooking.


    Man Meets Stove Cookbook Introduction

    We will be posting our cookbook in it's entirety, periodically, one section at a time. Enjoy! Check back in for additional sections and please tell your friends!



    Do you like to eat?

    No, do you REALLY like to eat?

    Do you like to get lucky?

    Because, my man, it is this last question that should inspire you to read on.  Babes like men who cook.  That’s right, it gives them shudders to have you cook them a great meal.  Ecstatic shudders in places you want.  If you like to eat, all the more reason to read on, because frankly, you can cook stuff that tastes way better than that worthless drive-through burger you’re sticking down your blow hole. 

    Are we being too harsh?  Deal with it, Opie.  You think bad-ass chefs like Mario Batali, Michael Symon, and Anthony Bordain got there by holding hands and singing Kumbayah?  Hell no.  We can tell you how to make a girl gasp with ecstasy with nothing more than a spoon.  With or without food on it.  So, listen up, and let’s get started…

    First, you’re going to need to start off with something simple.  If you’re reading this, you probably have been mostly fed by your momma, girlfriends, or wife your entire life.  Maybe they could cook like Julia Child (may she rest in peace); if so, lucky you.  On the other hand, perhaps the women in your life can’t tell a hand mixer from a vibrator.  The days of “Home Economics” and “Miss Priss Cooking for Ladies” classes are long gone.  Your female sidekick may also cook mostly with a can opener.  This is unacceptable.  Let’s show the world how real men do it. 

    Tip: Read all recipes through BEFORE you start. Seriously. 



    Man Meets Stove Cookbook Forward Section

    We will be posting our cookbook in it's entirety, periodically, one section at a time. Enjoy!  Check back in for additional sections and please tell your friends!




    Listen up, soldier.  What good are you to you or anyone else if you can't decently feed yourself?  Or even indecently? You need to learn three F words: Fire. Food. Fun. Two of them are even four-letters.  The “Fun” is, of course, women; but the Food and Fire have to come first. First the food, because frankly we are just not sure you are manned up enough for the rest yet.


    One Tuesday night back when we were both in college we were talking about women (what else?) and it came up that both of us had used our cooking skills to impress our women.  We used cooking to move above the pack...cut the other studs out of the running. Alpha males with tongs.  No, not tongues - although we are good with those too - tongs.


    We are firm believers that every person should be able to fix a flat tire, build a fire, program a computer, construct a shed, find one of those square states out in the middle, cook a steak, fish, find everything/naughty/interesting on the internet, and learn crap you didn't already know from a book.  So, we pooled our brains and money and bought the Joy of Sex.  Oh wait, that’s another story.  We bought the Joy of Cooking.  Eleven hundred and thirty- two pages of foodie delight, orgasms for the tongue, and all-around-amazing information for the kitchen.  Yeah, we got a tongue theme already going on here.  Think of this as “your training has already begun…”


    We settled in with the bible of cooking and learned how to burn things, to create Level-7 disasters with a microwave, and to scare mortal humans out of the house.  We learned to cook, to taste, to smell, to enjoy the bits and pieces of food for what they are, and how the pieces combine for a gastrointestinal orgy of delight.  Our food blossomed, our sex lives improved, and people started saying silly things like “Wow, you two should open a restaurant,” and “Wow, that is delicious. You two should write a book.”


    Years later and several million calories gone to the gut, Jim got a wild hair up his chimney and wrote down his sure-fire Hollandaise Sauce; Thomas laughed and laughed and then said, “We should write a cookbook.”   Realizing that we were surrounded by sad creatures with no food skills and lacking second dates, we realized that we had to step up and share our hard-won wisdom.


    This book is that Wisdom


    Man Meets Stove Cookbook is AVAILABLE!!!!

    Hi everyone!  

    Just wanted to let you know that our cookbook is HERE! We have signed authors copies, Kindle version, and regular copies available through our ebook store and Amazon at !  

    We are also going to be posting sections of the book, in consecutive order, periodically for your reading pleasure, so please enjoy!



    Man Broccoli


    Men. Dorito Tacos. Yes they did!

    Dorm students and artists working all hours of the night, REJOICE! Taco Bell has managed to elevate junk food with fast food to create fast junk food.

    Jim felt an obligation to Man Meets Stove to conduct a scientific taste test. Okay, who am I kidding? I couldn't wait to get my hands on them. Geologists start out their field careers as professional fast food eaters. It's a thing.

    So I pulled up to the Bell and ordered two Dorito Taco Loco Supremes and promptly took a bite of day-glo orange Dorito goodness. The taco is, well, Taco Bell. Whatever that meat is, it is not my 70/30 hamburger. That was the unnatural part. The Dorito taco shells though? THOSE are a natural. Natural fit that is. Anything that orangey delicious has to be good, right? The two tacos went down real well. Would I want to eat three? Maybe when I was 18. Okay maybe now, but not four. These are serious junk food folks.

    If you cannot get to real mexican food at 2 am, this is just the thing for you.  This florescent orange power pellet and a 44 ounce diet cola will keep those brain batteries running.  Maybe not running WELL mind you, but running nevertheless. 

    I give it a three out of four Twinkies.


    How to Crack an Egg


    PBJ's Grilled - Restaurant Review

    In February, Thomas was up in Portland for the weekend and in need of something to do.  We found a walking food tour online that is put on by Forktown Tours, and bought tickets for that afternoon's tour. We strapped on our walking shoes and some warm layers and headed out on a culinary adventure, Stump Town style.

    After walking around in the notorious Portland rain we ate savory and sweet wonders at fantastic restaurants, cafe's and bakeries. The highlight of the tour, without a doubt, was PBJ's Grilled, a food cart in the 900 block of 23rd street in the Alphabet district of Portland.

    We had their Spicy Thai sandwhich: Challah bread, orange marmalade, sriacha “rooster” sauce, fresh basil, curry,  and PBJ's peanut butter. 



    This is a sweet and spicy Thai party in your mouth, rain be damned. Trust me, you forget about the rain after eating that.

    Next we sampled the Hot Hood sandwich. Challah bread, black cherry jam, jalapeños, apple wood smoked bacon, and PBJ's peanut butter.   Grilled.  Of course.

    The jalapeño makes the cheery pop in your mouth and then the cart-made peanut butter brings it all home with a mountain of creamy goodness and bacon.

    I will be eating at this cart and at their upcoming cafe every chance I get. How could you pass up a menu whose extra's are:





    White Chocolate Chips

    Bread and butter pickles

    Gina Maria cream cheese


    Bacon (Apple wood smoked)

    We really like places that have both bacon and Nutella as standard extras.  It’s like a blonde that comes complete with, well, what blondes come complete with…

    Oh and we are looking for a reason to travel to Portland so we can have their Smokin Goat sandwich. You will have to follow the link for that one.


    Common Cooking Mistakes

    We saw this article on common cooking mistakes and were quite impressed with their recommendations so we thought we would share them here.  With our "special commentary":

    1. Taste as you go.

     She will really appreciate it.

    2. Read the entire recipe before you start cooking.

    3. Don't make unwise substitutions in baking.

    4. Don't boil when you should simmer.

     What can we say, women take longer to warm up.  Slow down sparky.

    5. You overheat chocolate.

    6. You over-soften butter.

    7. You overheat low-fat milk products.

    8. You don’t know your oven’s quirks and idiosyncrasies.

     Her quirks and idiosyncrasies are a feature, not a bug.

    9. You’re too casual about measuring ingredients.

    10. You overcrowd the pan.

     Hey, who are we to judge if you're into groups?

    11. You mishandle egg whites.

    12. You turn the food too often.

     Changing positions sometimes requires you let her know.  Just sayin'

    13. You don’t get the pan hot enough before you add the food.

     We prefer a hot "pan" too.

    14. You slice meat with?instead of against?the grain.


    15. You underbake cakes and breads.

    16. You don’t use a meat thermometer.

    17. Meat gets no chance to rest after cooking.

     HEY!  Sometimes you need a little nap afterwards, right?  Word. 

    18. You try to rush the cooking of caramelized onions.

    19. You overwork lower-fat dough.

     Getting a little personal aren't we? 

    20. You neglect the nuts you’re toasting.

     We haven't neglected our nuts since the 8th grade.

    21. You don’t shock vegetables when they’ve reached the desired texture.

    22. You put all the salt in the marinade or breading.

    23. You pop meat straight from the fridge into the oven or onto the grill.

    24. You don’t know when to abandon ship and start over.

    25. You use inferior ingredients.

    26. Your poached eggs aren't pretty

    27. Your gravy is lumpy

    There’s a fiber joke in here somewhere.

    28. Your mashed potatoes are gluey

    29. You Burn the Brown Butter

    30. Your bacon is burnt and crinkly

    Only afterwards …

    31. Your Green Veggies Turn Brown

    32. Your Salad Goes Limp

     Nothing a little "dressing" won't cure. 

    33. You Incinerate Chicken on the Grill

    34. Your Hard-Cooked Eggs Are Icky

     Icky is a little harsh, dontcha think?  

    35. Your Turkey Burgers Are Parched Pucks

    36. Your Rice Gets Gummy

    37. Your Caramel Meets a Burnt, Bitter End

    38. The Turkey Hack Job

    39. Your Cookies Gain Unwanted Holiday Width

     We work out when that happens.  Okay, we try.

    40. Your Flapjacks Flame Out

    41. Your Oven Fries Fizzle


    New Website Design!

    Well folks, we grew tired of the blogging platform we were on and switched to Squarespace.  They do NOT disappoint!  Stand by for MORE posts and thanks for following us!